To me, he was nothing short of a miracle. Generous, simple and in so many ways gorgeous. I was besotted right at the start. It was the eleventh grade, and he helped me with a lot of school work. There was something about the way he spoke, just so honest, he'd nothing to hide. Brown eyes, wide with innocence, incapable of telling a lie and genuinely so. Sometime in the first few weeks, I sensed a bond that'd last a lifetime. I had nothing to ask of him ,just his company made me ecstatic. It was the most honest, simple and unconditional relationship. He was my best friend. I cherished our candidness too much to jeopardize it, so I kept my feelings private. Surprisingly one day, he told me he loved me. I don't know if that was impulse, we were just children. The curiosity of what it'd be like to belong to him numbed my instinct. Oh and did we have a blast! He moved to another city to study, and somehow that made the bond more meaningful. I'd wake up to his messages and we'd talk each other to sleep. He'd wait for a break to come visit me and we'd count the hours together. Taking each other's opinion on every damn thing and then fussing about it, petty but fun. Every birthday and New Year meant more now that I had him to share time with. It was beautiful. Of course we had our differences, often silly but the most heated arguments. Somehow, almost cosmically, every quarrel would lead me to realizing I'd be better off milking a bull .What was the point of winning the tiff? I'd forgotten how to function without him. So irrevocably in love. Even in times of chaos I'd feel an unwaning confidence because I knew he'd be there if I wished to cry. No fear of the uncertain, no dubiousness of his affection. For several reasons, the best days of my life.
Soon enough, we'd to get serious about our careers. Now, we spoke lesser, and one day he left the country to pursue his studies. It's been a while, but I still remember the day he left. I was a wreck. I trembled at the thought of not knowing if he'd ever come back, if he'd remember what it was like to be in my company. He took away so much with his absence. The clouds drifted, so did he. In a few months I saw a new him, the simplicity dwindled because everything around was new, sensitivity and concern began to ebb , perhaps it didn't make sense to care for someone so far away, and of course, honesty was ludicrous since we were unaware of almost everything in each other's lives. He lost himself to the splendor of possibility. For months I questioned the days we'd laughed together, had he really given up on everything I loved about him? I understood his being stressed about life's challenges, but it just seemed like his priorities had shifted. In some time, we were barely speaking. A deafening silence. Our days didn't share the same light, he got busy and I didn't intrude. Everyday, I battled my inner tornado to fill the void, and it didn't affect him that I was hurting. Never do we foresee these things, there was a time when I was immensely confident of our solidarity, and now we didn't even know when we needed each other. Merely being of relevance to him seemed arduous.
Despite everything, each time I pass a coffee shop we'd visited or the place I first met him, I smile because those are still the most beautiful days I've seen. Love is larger than us. Innocent but Powerful. Often beyond our control, we get hurt but that doesn't curb our capacity to love.
How many stupid times a day, must we have dwelt on our dissatisfaction?! Fundamentally greed, our craving for attention turns us into beings beyond our own handling power. Obsession cultivates a deep rooted negativity, a dark energy that taints our prudence.
The ones we love might not necessarily find their haven in us. Life will go on and they'd eventually gather their sanity from other sources. Perhaps, even fall in love again. Well, they're only human. Going through agony, might make us a little harsh, but we still hold a massive potential to love, and so we're beautiful!
Through the several days I spent mulling over what went wrong, I didn't realize I'd retreated from my real self too. My faith in him had shaken, I'd become terribly quick to judge and grew selfish. We only react to our environment, our circumstances and our pain. The truth is, we all have issues, he isn't perfect, neither am I. After all, when he was around, he only gave me what I wanted, any girl's fantasy, a quintessential version of what I imagined love should look like.
We spend too much time expecting from the other end. Blessed enough to experience love and we ponder over the slightest debates. I know, I'd never be able to shake off the shadow of my first love, but I also know he'll never be the same again. Love is for realistic people. We build our hopes on an intricate web of daydreams and that makes us fragile. It's our ability to love, the complacency of being able to offer ourselves emotionally, that we cherish. Love, because it warms the heart. Whether it culminates into something or not, love because we're fortunate enough to know its bliss. People change, isn’t change the only constant? Accept the reversal, walk with the wind, it’s much easier than walking against it. Let's be grateful for the experience and accommodative of each other's flaws. Believe the best in them and derive strength from your ability to acclimate. Have faith in the beauty of your soul; your capacity to give is endless. If it's the only way, love them enough to let them go and love yourself enough to smile everyday. This Valentine's day, let's stop questioning ourselves and the ones we love. Break free of those shackles of doubt and rage, and love unconditionally... because, it's the closest thing we have, to magic.
Article by: Sweta Subramanian. She is an engineer by qualification and is currently a Singer/Performer based in Bangalore.